It's vulnerable for me to put my feelings out there in the world. To wear them with my open heart requires a strength that admits I am comfortable with them, no matter how much pain and suffering I may be feeling. Maybe I will be judged, maybe I will cause more hurt in others or most likely myself. To own my feelings and put them front and center is the ultimate mastery of being vulnerable and stepping into it all. No one can take these feelings away from me, I feel them, I think about them... I live for them. Can I share them, show them? Being vulnerable, however, is the true test for me to acknowledge how human I am. With all the Spartan Races I've done, all the thru-hikes I have completed, there is a level of physical and metal strength that helps me navigate the present when the future is so unknown. Some people see me as a robot of sorts but I am human and I suffer just like everyone else. Perhaps maybe more because I am in-tune with my feelings and right now I am not hiding them...I am going to show them for the world to see. If I can do my work around them, maybe it will inspire others to have the strength to be vulnerable. I want to live a life of vulnerability because I am my most human in that instant.
Maybe one of these days I will get to the core of my current suffering and maybe not. It doesn't really matter. What matters is how I show up today. How will I "receive others" today? On a level of more vulnerability, how do I start this freaking blog? What do I write, how will it be received? I am scared to start a blog and put my mind, body and soul out there. I am scared to be misinterpreted or unclear in my wording. I am scared that the flaws in my writing will be exposed and scrutinized. Dare I say Fuck it?!?! It's only step 1 of a 1000 step process towards greater self awareness and I choose to step into my fear. I will expose my vulnerability and let the world interact with me. My heart is fragile and so am I. Where the pieces break, the bonds will become stronger.
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